“If this is the worst thing that happens today, we’ll be ok.” I say it to the cashier at the at the checkout line when the scanner won’t scan. I say it when the package is damaged upon arrival. I say it when I lose my keys, when I’m 5 minutes late for an appointment (because I lost my keys), when the luggage is “arriving on the next flight,” when someone cuts me off in traffic…I say it when a situation isn’t perfect and I sense my inner calm is escaping. Because I’ve spent a lot of time learning that I don’t have to spend a lot of time calming the fuck down. I was once a rude one. Obnoxiously lacking grace in the midst of human error. If I’d paid for it, scheduled it, reserved it, ordered it, requested it, and “it” was lost (or broken, or late, or an inconvenience to me) a mental stopwatch seemed to signal “time’s up,” with no space between the snag and my reaction. Like all our stories, it’s a long and winding road. While I’d announce to anyone not asking, I didn’t care what people thought about me, the truth was, I got the jump on rejection. It took years to realize I was trying to stay a step ahead, dismissing opinions before they were expressed as disapproval. I didn’t have a burning bush moment, but, there must have been a first episode when I smiled at the person behind the counter and said, “That’s ok.” And, walked away realizing, it really WAS ok. And, the remainder of my day wasn’t impacted. Or, maybe I saw myself in someone demanding a refund, (cringe) or, that the furniture delivery be cancelled, (still cringing) or, noticed the weary face of someone just doing their job as they were on the receiving end of the 4th complaint of the morning. Whatever butterfly wing set about the wind of change in my life, being largely unbothered by inevitable mishaps has given me a superpower. It’s made space for creativity, awareness and enthusiasm. It has won many battles with boredom, frustration and the blues. Of course, when we humans begin excavating our innermost selves, we find the problem is never the problem. Even I wasn’t the problem. I spent much of my younger years feeling I was exactly that problem. I suspect this greatly impacted my lack of patience with humanity when it was most needed. I spent some time in shame at my discovery, but that was a most cold and lonesome place. If I wasn’t the problem, and you weren’t the problem, just MAYBE there were far fewer problems than I’d imagined. And, just like that, each time a shoelace broke, or a dog barked (and barked) I’d think, “This is a quality problem. I’ll take it.” And, I’ll let it go. I don’t preach optimism, I don’t use the word unless I’m clarifying that I don’t label myself an optimist. I simply love joy. I jump around in that stuff like a puppy in the grass. I lose my joy when I expend energy on things that are truly inconsequential. My luggage will arrive. Probably. The furniture will get delivered. Eventually. The car in front of me is being driven by a human with a life as complex and important as my own. I hope that human isn’t rushing because of a true emergency. I hope he’s five minutes late because he lost his keys. And, I hope that’s the worst thing that happens to him, today.
Tangled Lights 