We can all relate to the occasional delay of a dreaded task: being a few days late paying your car insurance, sifting through the “clirty” laundry for the third day in a row. (you know…those clothes worn a few hours, not dirty enough for the hamper but not clean enough to hang back in the closet) staring blankly at an empty fridge, again, as if, yesterday, you didn’t know you’d be hungry today. But, still, we pay the late fee on the bills, we do 9 loads of laundry in a day and we subject ourselves to the hangrys, time and time again rather than keep food in the house as regularly as we consume it. Why. Why are we subject to task paralysis? Short of clinical depression, I haven’t found a reason for one of the most self-despised characteristics that is procrastination. When I started this blog, I was determined to write daily. After all, it was something I did in my personal journals on a regular basis, anyway. As of today, June 1st, 2018, I haven’t gone public with my writing and it centers around the fear of committing to a daily practice, and failing. So, here I am. My procrastination tendencies and all, we showed up this morning to narrow our eyes and stare into the face of the nemesis: Later. I know a lot of writers, artists, creators of all types who say they suffer the same plight: the grand illusion that we will do it tomorrow. Since I created this blog as a space for humans, to show up just as they are, I thought it quite hypocritical to show up any other way, myself. So, I opted against changing the dates on my first three entries to appear that I hadn’t gone months and months without an entry. This is me. I need a hair cut. I need to make a grocery list. I need to research plane tickets to be with my mom for her hip surgery- which is now happening this month- and I still find myself stuck in neutral on days when I could be productive. My solution to this baffling quandry has been two fold and it is too early to even call it that…a “solution.” I am a creature of habit. I like mornings. I LOVE them, in fact. It is that almost imperceptibly small slice of time between the first second of waking at 5:30am and choosing to close my eyes for another two hours or move my feet at 5:31 that makes a huge difference in my entire day. When I choose the latter, I feel alive…walking outside while the world is still, breathing deeply, stretching and taking a walk all before the sun comes up. This is my element, my zone, where my genuine self emerges and flourishes. Why we don’t do the things that serve us best and do them more often is mysterious to me. So, I have chosen the next best thing…grace. I have finally discovered the redundancy of beating myself up over my procrastinating tendencies. Thanking this cunning trait for “giving me more free time” and releasing it from my thought pattern has not been unlike kicking any other habit that somehow “serves” us. We get something out of the things that are bad for us. Emotional comfort. Extra sleep. Anesthetizing painful thoughts. We eat, drink, sleep, serial date, delay, phone coma, cat video binge, our way out of almost any namable task. When the option arises, (and it IS an option) kindly thank that tendency for cutting you some slack and then take one step toward your dreaded to-do list. We have to live, and sometimes, we have to live like adults. Buy the food, wash the clothes, pay the car insurance, sort the mail, get your oil changed. For me, today, it was writing this entry. I wanted to beach comb. I wanted to scroll through Facebook. I wanted to find a t shirt from a concert 9 years ago that I suddenly realized is missing. I feel the lackluster result of my writing as I do it without the sheer motivation that sometimes flies past me at 90mph. But, I did it. You don’t have to do it well…you don’t have to want to do it…you can loathe it, but since you have to do it, maybe give yourself a break and accept that you are doing that which you don’t want to do, and realize that is enough. You are enough. Organized, punctual, properly-dressed-for-the-day-by-6am people will always be out there (thank God…because we need them) but we don’t need lots of time to get over the fact that we may never be one of them. Or, if we are, it’s because the spirit moved and we got 116 things done that day last April. Oh, stop. You’ve done it. Collectively, I invite all you beautiful humans to go get a blank sheet of paper and pen. And, figure out what tasks are paralyzing YOU. Realize you have a million cohorts who do not stand in judgement as you sheepishly scribble, “Do taxes. For 2014.” Until tomorrow…peace, warriors.
Tangled Lights 